Anti-Maskers vs. Anti-Socksers

Anti-maskers need to chill. They should take a page from the Anti-socksers’ book.

Some people hate wearing masks. I mean really hate wearing masks. They feel it’s affront to society, infringing on their rights. The government can’t tell them what to do! They even put together or attend rallies announcing to the world how they won’t wear masks and shouldn’t be forced to! I’m looking right at you, Mark Emerson Donnelly.

Well, Anti-masker, I have some news for you. You don’t hate masks as much as I hate socks. Seriously. This isn’t parody and I’m not poking fun. This is the honest truth. You don’t hate masks as much as I hate socks. I haven’t worn socks in 16 years. I can narrow it down to the exact month that realized that they are useless, stupid and do more harm than good. I had just returned from a job interview and I was at my girlfriend’s house (she wasn’t yet my wife, which is how I am able to narrow the timeline down to the very month and year). I was wearing dress socks. You know, those thin, slippery dress socks. And she had a wood staircase that was polished so perfectly you could see your reflection. You probably know where this is going.

So, after 10 minutes of writhing in pain at the bottom of the stairs, I started questioning why I even wear socks? They look ugly – comical, even. They cause accidents. And they don’t provide enough warmth to compensate for that. I hate them.

These days I work from home, making this easy. I don’t wear socks ever. I attend family functions in the winter without socks. I go to the movies without socks. Bars? No socks. I shovel snow in my boots with no socks. I take the kids tobogganing without socks on. The very thought of socks makes me shake my head. I hate them more than most things on this earth. When I see them on other people I get annoyed. My friends would come over, in the summer, wearing socks and shoes. Makes no sense. The one excuse for wearing socks is to keep your feet warm, but it’s in the summer so your feet are already warm. But I say nothing. To each his own.

I never thought of putting together a rally about anti-socks, though. Don’t get me wrong, I hate them deeply. But a rally is a lot of work. I have better things to do. If someone else put together a rally, would I attend? That is also a no. Again, not worth my while. I am fine just hating socks privately.

And I say this even though those bastards at the kids’ Playland insist that everyone there, including adults, must wear socks. I hate that! They’re infringing on my rights! But I don’t protest or cause any fuss. I might grumble a little. But then I open my sock drawer, pull out my 16-year-old hardly-worn socks, shake them so that all the dust comes off, and then I put them on.

Weddings? It bothers me that part of “looking nice” in a suit includes wearing socks. I get very happy when it’s a destination wedding at a resort. But if it’s a wedding up here in Canada, I have to wear socks. It is what “the man” expects of me. Apparently, not wearing socks is “uncouth”. People at weddings feel more comfortable if everyone around them was dressed up nice, which includes wearing socks. So again, I put on the socks. I want the people around me to feel comfortable. Still not even remotely tempted to attend an anti-socks rally, though. Having to wear a piece of cloth on my body for some events and in some businesses, is not enough to spur me to formally protest. Anyone who does otherwise is an idiot.

I have hated socks years before any of you anti-maskers even knew what a mask looked like. If you tell me that you hate masks more than I hate socks, I will fight you. Yet you want to hold rallies over your right to not wear a mask and I have no desire to hold such a rally for socks. You want to waltz maskless into a business that has mask rules, and complain about getting kicked out. Why? I got sent out of a children’s playland for not wearing socks. I just went to a nearby store and bought a pair, and came back. It’s the rules of the house. I either obey them, or I don’t go in.

And make no mistake – a business has the same right to make rules as a homeowner does. If a homeowner asked you to remove your shoes when you enter their house, you do so without complaint. If a restaurant is ‘black tie’, you put on a tie if you want to eat there (don’t get me started on ties – it’s a close second to socks in terms of useless evil).

So why all the whining about masks? Because that’s what you’re doing – you’re whining. It’s pointless, though. By the time you’re done fighting, and finished with the rallies – the pandemic will be long over. You didn’t make a dent for your cause. At all. In fact, the rallies just lengthened the amount of time all the mask rules are in place. Real smart.

S-M-R-T

My advice? Put on your damn mask when that’s the rule for that particular area – and stop wearing socks.

Follow me on Twitter @DobbersTake and lets talk music and rant about idiots.

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