How I Would Handle Paparazzi


Just a thought that popped into my head recently and I thought it was funny (clever?) enough to put out there. If I was a celebrity who was relentlessly stalked by paparazzi – I’m talking outside of restaurants and public venues, or waiting on the street outside my house, or at the resort with me on vacation, or even in my own backyard (!) – then this is what I would do.

I would hire the most three most relentless paparazzi out there. Full time. And their only job was to get me pictures, personal pictures, of the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth most relentless paparazzi out there. I’d give them a nice base salary, and a great bonus for every quality picture they can bring me. Pics of them with their family, or enjoying dinner with friends, or on vacation, or going to the bathroom (!). The more my new hires push the envelope, the higher the bonus. And if the paparazzi my guys are stalking try to complain, my guys would just throw the ol’ “it’s my right” line in their face. My guys would even be taking pictures of the other paparazzi taking pictures of ME! But right in their faces, to the point where it’s blocking their camera from taking pictures of me. An extra bonus for getting close-up, camera-to-camera pics of their camera while in mid-flash. LOL the paparazzi would be so frustrated with me.

The nine most annoying, relentless paparazzi would be pretty much out of the picture. And they would get a taste of their own medicine. And it would be funny as hell. I’d even publish a ‘Paparazzi Monthly’ in which I publish the most embarrassing pictures of the paparazzi that my guys/girls take – and distribute the magazine, free, to the other celebrity buddies of mine.

Would it be costly? Sure. Paying three people to do a job that I don’t need, plus bonuses, plus publishing costs of a 100-issue subscription based pamphlet would run upwards of a million bucks. But like I said, I’m a successful celebrity and I have money to burn. I’d be wiping my ass with $100 bills anyway, may as well have some fun with it.


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